18w2d

I'm having a bad day. At this point in time, I work fulltime from home. Part of the reason I accepted this position was because I could work from home. There are a few of us in my area who do this since the office near us is not large enough to accomodate our group. All this changed this week and now I'm being told I have to go work in the office - not all of us, just two of us. Everyone is pretty resistant to this change, but we sort of accept that it's going to happen and there isn't much we can do about it, besides make the transition benefit us. I spoke with the person who was charged with handing down this decision and explained why this is bad for me, including the fact that when the position was offered to me, they told me my salary was offset because I would be working from home. Right now we've let it up in the air, since we agree it's best to wait for my doctor to give me the all-clear to travel 3 hours a day and be more than 2 hours away from my hospital. I just feel so helpless. I had planned to have the baby home with me the first year so that I could nurse. Now I feel like the world has been turned upside down again. I went from 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with my child, with some help from a part-time nanny to having to put my child in daycare for 12 to 14 hours a day. I'm so angry, so despondent, so frustrated. Marc doesn't really understand because for him, nothing changes. I feel like I've lost something huge here. We have other options for childcare, like leaving the baby with his mom everyday, but that doesn't seem right to me. Which just leaves me back at square one, feeling really shitty and really helpless.

18w1d

I'll say right off the bat that everything is fine. Last night I had some contractions that were on the painful side. I never really got the point in labor with Gregory where I dealt with painful contractions. I'd been having contractions from about an hour after he died straight through, but they weren't very painful or regular. It wasn't until it was confirmed that he died that they even picked up, and within an hour or two I was in surgery. So last night I went and put my feet up on the couch and watched the Yankee game for a bit, and they went away. Had dinner, went to bed. I woke up around 2am and they were back. It felt a lot like gas pain, but it wouldn't go away. I'm on Z.ofran, and that can cause pretty bad constipation, so I thought maybe that had something to do with it. I definitely felt my uterus squeezing, and at points it felt similar to menstrual cramps. I was feeling pressure and the contractions were as frequent as 4 every ten minutes. I started checking my symptoms online, and preterm labor came up a number of times. When it still hadn't subsided by 5:30 am, I took a warm shower and called my doctor. He agreed that I needed to get checked out to be on the safe side. So off to L&D we went.

They monitored me from about 7am to 10:30am. They weren't picking up contractions on the monitor, but figure it might be uterine irritability. Beulah's heartbeat was in the 160s, which is what it's been consistently the entire pregnancy. So I'm back home with instructions to drink lots of water and to stay off my feet for the rest of the weekend. The hospital was hard - they were busy, so they'd run out of triage beds and I was in a recovery room. About an hour in I realized that I was in the exact same spot in the exact same recovery room as I was in after my c-section. I did get choked up at points, things felt so similar to when I went in the morning Gregory was born. Walking up to the desk to explain I was alarmed by something and my doctor instructed me to come in for monitoring; the nurse not being able to find the baby's heartbeat right away; talking to some of the nurses who cared for me the last time. The hardest thing was trying not to give in to the sheer panic I felt just being there.

But I'm damned glad I went, even if it turned out to be nothing serious. I imagine it only would have become worse with the stress of not knowing if the baby was ok, and it could have turned into something more serious. My mind is at ease, and I'm proud of myself for not just writing it off as growing pains (even if that's what it is!) and for putting my health and Beulah's health over the risk of people thinking I was stupid and panicky. I still feel guilt that I ignored my own instinct that something was wrong last time, and I wasn't about to walk down that road again. I'm still feeling some contractions, but they are not painful, not regular, and not as strong. Back to bed for me!

17w1d

Morning sickness got worse for a bit there, and even the Z.ofran didn't help. I'm finally back on track with keeping food down.

My aunt is home, my grandma is back at the nursing home (and looking good). We saw her today, she's starting to walk in therapy. Marc's grandma is not well now - she's at the hospital, they think it's pnuemonia. Her son came home on Wednesday and found her passed out on the floor. We saw her today as well, and she seems better. She's worried that they are trying to trick her into living in a nursing home by saying she's going to need to go to one for some rehab. I promised her that they can't make her live there for good, and that I'd break her out if they tried. She asked if we were having another baby, and she's very excited that we are. Cat's out of the bag!

Off to help Marc with the dishes, his most dreaded of all chores.

16w4d

Things I've learned this morning:

1. I need to start keeping garbage bags near my desk. The walk from the living room to the bathroom is too far, even when you are running.
2. A swiffer doesn't do a great job cleaning up popcorn-puke.
3. My cats are far more intrigued with my vomit than I am with their vomit.

15w6d

All is well with little Beulah! I told my doc he scared me last time and he felt bad. We did try the doppler again, and finally realized it's pretty broken. We did pick up Beulah's heartbeat for a bit towards the end, and it sounded good!

Next doc appoinment on 10/11, and I have my big ultrasound planned for 10/04. He also wrote me a prescription for the nausea and vomiting. Of course, no one ever seems to have it in stock, so hopefully it will be filled by tomorrow evening when we go to pick it up. The idea of a weekend with no nausea or puking makes me think that I might actually find the energy to clean my house or something...

15w5d

Saw Grandma tonight - she's been moved to a nursing home only a few blocks away. She was telling us about the wonderful food and how nice they are there, but she still hates PT. She's frustrated that she can't walk yet (have I mentioned how impatient she is?) and she's worried about everyone else. She's got a sore from laying in the bed so much, but otherwise she seems better.

My aunt is not doing as well. She's special needs and lives in a private group home. She's been acting oddly for a few weeks, but the docs have not been been able to figure out what is causing it. Yesterday she was found with no pulse and they had to resuscitate her. She's only in her 50s. She's in ICU now, she's responsive and talking. My grandma knows she's in the hospital, but has no idea how bad it was (i.e. that she practically dead).

Any prayers you can spare, we could use them.

I have a an appointment with my OB tomorrow morning. My goals are: 1. get drugs for nausea, 2. kick him for scaring 10 years off my life at the last appointment, and 3. schedule the big ultrasound. I may let him near me with the doppler tomorrow - I need a little reassurance Beulah is OK. Three losses on my February EDD board this week, all were in the 16-17 week range. Hopefully tomorrow will be happier post.

15w0d

Been a busy week...Grandma fell and broke a hip after Mass on Tuesday. She tripped on an outdoor floor mat and went down. She had surgery on Wednesday and she's in some pain. She's so worried about everyone else. She's scared because physical therapy hurt her, and they are coming back in the morning to make her get out of the bed and stand on her own. The food at the hospital is crap and she's frustrated because they come in every hour to check something else. She says it only hurts if they make her move around. My sister told me that they heard her moaning and crying down the hall (they had to leave the room, they couldn't handle seeing her in so much pain). If I could just make it better, I would. I hate seeing her helpless and worried. She's been so much more worried in the last year, especially since my uncle got sick and died. My poor grandma. I hate this.

My mother told her I was pregnant, and I'm so glad. She's so happy and excited. She started crying tonight when I saw her, saying that she was praying so hard for us since Gregory died, and she couldn't be happier. It scares the shit out of me that she might not live to see the little pigface in person. Old people die when they break hips. They lose their independence, and lose their desire to carry on. They are more at risk for nosocomial infections like pneumonia. Please God she makes it to her 80th birthday next spring. She deserves a little happiness and a big birthday celebration after the shitty circumstances in the last year and a half.

Morning sickness is winding down a bit, and I'm getting quite the belly. I need to start taking photos. I have very few belly shots from when I was pregnant with G, one at 13w and a couple at 33w. I so wish I had more...hindsight, blah blah blah.

And to the person who found my blog by googling for information on not feeling the baby move for a few hours and being scared: KICK COUNTS. Go lay down on your couch or bed and count your baby's movements. The goal is to count 10 movements in 2 hours. (You can stop when you feel 10.) Sometimes drinking some cold juice or soda can help wake the baby up if she's sleeping. If you don't feel 10 movements in 2 hours, call your OB. If they blow you off, go to the ER or L&D. Get the ultrasound. Yes, you'll probably feel like an idiot when the baby is perfectly fine, healthy, and you realize she was just taking a nap, but it will ease your mind that the baby is ok. You should not feel shy about demanding good care - you are paying your doctor, and you should get the quality of care you deserve, not what they feel is fair. You are the best advocate for your health and your child's health. In this case, it's far better to open your mouth. Worst case is that something is not right and you've caught it by speaking up. That said, I hope your little one is kicking up a storm, and that he or she will be home in your arms shortly!

14w1d

I hate this. I've had two dreams in the last three days with dead babies. I keep waking up completely heartbroken, and then I feel relieved for a moment, and then I'm gripped with fear for the rest of the day that it's a sign or an omen of what's still to come. This is so difficult, and it's wearing me down. I just want to cry and scream and fast forward the next 20-something weeks until I have a baby in my arms. I feel like I can't even vent and cry to Marc. He's been so much more relaxed this pregnancy than last because I haven't been as outwardly worried. I like him this way! February just needs to get here, fast. Time is going more quickly than I thought it would, but I sort of wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up when it's February. Hell, I'd settle for these dreams going away.