26w1d

I am a hateful person. People just don't get it, and I'm sick of being polite. If you do not have a dead baby, you are not qualified to tell me how to raise any living ones I might get the opportunity to bring home. Doing so may result in violence and bodily harm.

1. I will not be getting rid of my six kitties just because I'm bringing a baby home. I had no intention of getting rid of them when we were expecting Gregory, and I have no intention of getting rid of them now that we're expecting his brother. They are my family! They are the only ones who let me grieve on my own terms when G died. They are the protectors of my belly while I sleep. Do I have concerns? Sure! I am concerned that in an attempt to protect/warm/love Bubba, a kitty could inadvertantly smother him. There are ways to avoid this. I am concerned since Marc and I are both allergic to cats (and M is asthmatic) that there are potential issues, but everything I've read says exposure to cats in infancy and early childhood will help to prevent the allergy. I do not have to ban my cats from the bedrooms, give them to other people, or make them outdoor cats. I'm sorry you felt it was necessary to get rid of your cats/dogs/turtles/hamsters when you brought your child home, but my husband and I made a commitment to our animals that we intend to keep. We love them, and that doesn't just get tossed out the window because we bring a new toy home.

2. Raising my arms above my head will not kill my child. I get that your elderly mother is from a small isolated village in the old country and that old wives' tales are common, but you are an educated young woman who was born and raised in America. Do you really think that doing that is going to cause the umbilical cord to wrap around Bubba's neck and strangle him? That must mean I did something similar to kill Gregory.

3. I am not excited to be a mother. I will not labor for 2 days because that's what you did with your first child. I am not depriving myself of giving birth by opting for a repeat section. I have children. Sadly, they are dead. This is not my first pregnancy or my first childbirth. The child I did give birth to was dead. The only thing I'm depriving myself of by opting for surgery is some uncertainty during this scary time.

4. I will not change my tune or feel differently once I have children. Just because you did something one way does not mean it will work that way for my family. I am not 'paranoid' about SIDS or 'overreacting' about RSV. There is medical evidence that may indicate my child is at higher risk for SIDS. You live in a warm climate with your healthy child who was the result of a surprise conception and textbook pregnancy. I doubt you'd like it very much if I ended every conversation with "well, you'll see it differently when you hold your lifeless child in your arms".

5. No, I will not feel guilty if I enjoy this child. Why would you say that to me? I love Gregory so much my heart feels like it will burst. I love his brother just as much. I do not feel I am betraying one son to love the other. Would you say that to a mother of a living child? No. So don't say it to me.

6. Shut up. I am sick of listening to you complain about how horrible your children are. The reason your child is up at 3am is because you let him get away with it night after night. Maybe your life would be a little bit easier if you (for once) opted for the slightly more difficult road of being a parent to your children instead of letting them get away with murder. Your child is not going through a phase. Phases do not last 3 years. Maybe if you taught your child the meaning of the word 'no', they'd understand it. Once you get all that under control, then maybe I'll consider listening to your advice on child rearing.

7. I'm so glad that in your family/culture/cult, it's common to breastfeed/bottlefeed/cosleep. I enjoy hearing about what led you to make the decisions you did as a parent. However, I do not think something is wrong with me because I choose to send my child to daycare. There is not something lacking in my parenting skills because I choose to breastfeed until 3 months or 3 years. My boobs, my baby, my choice. I do not have to defend my choices as a parent to you.

7a. Furthermore, do not cop a dismissive tone with me when you realize I made/will make a different choice than you. Just because I choose to walk down a different path than you does not mean I am saying your decisions were questionable. When you get defensive and snippy, it only tells me that you are insecure about your own choices. When you become passive-aggressive or pitch a fit because my views differ from yours, it makes me want to spend less time in your company.

24w5d

I think I'm losing my mind. Here's a summary of why:

1. My mother is crazy, and I think it's contagious.
2. This crap with working from the office has come back up, and with it, my blood pressure has skyrocketed. Where the hell am I going to put an infant? Daycare is damn expensive near me, and I hadn't planned for this at all.
3. Did I mention that I haven't been at this job for a year, so I'm probably not going to qualify for maternity leave? If I have to go into the office, I'm going to lose all of the vacation and sick days I've been saving towards my maternity leave just because I have NO immune system. Craptacular. Which means I'm either going to go broke or have to go back to work 3 weeks postpartum.
4. I have survived the second coming of the plague, but now I'm dealing with daily bloody noses, thanks to having to turn on my heat. Heat, which by the way, serves to keep my entire neighborhood warm because my landlord can't be bothered to put anything but inside doors on the three doors into my apartment.
5. I have lost all semblance of privacy. I live in a two family house, and we have the ground floor. The landlord has decided she's not going to bother landscaping the backyard as promised, but she's going to build something out there instead, with no notice. So now I have like 8 construction workers in and out of my normally quiet and empty house at the end of my dead end street for 8 hours a day. And the backhoe is so close to my apartment that I can reach out of my kitchen window and touch it. We are moving after the boy-child arrives. This is ridiculous for the amount of rent we pay.
6. Grandma is home from the nursing home! Hooray! However, we have no idea if we are having Thanksgiving at her house (with Marc cooking and transporting the food over). So we don't know if we are even having Thanksgiving.

I need a nap. A beer and a cigarette wouldn't hurt either.

One more thing...

Thanks for the words of encouragement lately. It really does suck and it really is unfair, but it's oddly comforting knowing that there are other people out there who can actually understand exactly what's going on inside my sick twisted mind.

24w0d

Again with the fricking plague. Arrgh. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose since Sunday. I even skipped my OB appt today - it was a choice between sleeping or getting a flu shot that would have made me feel even worse.

Prayers for two different girls this week: a friend out west gave birth via emergency c-section on Wednesday to her baby girl. The little girl has been having seizures since birth and has been moved to a NICU in another city. The mom has been through a lot in recent years and has a little boy at home as well. Another girl that I don't know, but know of, lost her three month old son a few days ago to SIDS. Please keep both these families in your prayers, for their physical, emotional and spiritual health.

Ok, I'm going back to bed. Yay for legal viability!

23w1d

All is well here on the froggy front. I went out on Thursday night with folks from my old job. I had a lot of fun, but eating dinner with friends can take a lot out of you when you haven't done anything more than vegitate on your couch for the last 6 months. This little boy has turned me into a little old lady - I choose sleep over almost anything else.

He's been moving a lot which is so reassuring. I can only feel him on my left side though! I have had numbness on the right half of my belly since my c-section with Gregory. It's so odd. I can see Bubba shift and kick on my right side, but can't feel it. I could probably stab myself with a fork and have no clue.

My sisters are coming over today to swoon over baby clothes and keep me company, since Marc has some big game tournament planned with friends. My sisters are huge hockey fans and bought Gregory his very own hockey jersey, with our last name and 06 on the back. Unfortunately, it has a bad habit of yellowing, so I need to get it framed fast, seeing as how its been more than a year. I am considering hanging it in Bubba's room, with Gregory's crucifix (it's a children's cross that rested on his coffin during his funeral). Decorating his room is harder than I thought it would be. I figured that since we moved here after Gregory died (ok, in part because Gregory died) it would be like starting fresh, but it's not. There's a bit of Gregory in everything. All of the furniture, some of the clothes, but really just the deja vu of preparing for another baby. It makes me feel like I've abandoned Gregory on some level, which I know is not true at all. I feel like I need to acknowledge him as we prepare for Bubba's arrival as we would if he hadn't died. All of this preparation has also brought to the front of my mind everything I'm missing out on. Halloween was two years since I found I was pregnant with Gregory. I remember hiding the test under a piece of paper and not looking at it, so afraid it would be negative. I remember giving out candy, feeling on top of the world, giddy about my secret. I remember Marc being so happy. And I'm just not at the point where I can think about all the happiness without thinking about all the sadness that followed. I have started talking to Bubba about Gregory a lot. I figure if I tell him often enough, then one day I might be able to do it without bawling.

Yeah, right.