Sunday, May 11, 2008

Building Cathedrals

The Most Important Person on earth is a mother. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral--a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body...

The angels have not been blessed with such a grace. They cannot share in God's creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven. Only a human mother can. Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creature; God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation...

What on God's good earth is more glorious than this: to be a mother!

-Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty

Wishing you all a Happy Mother's Day, filled with peace and love.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Just a Friday Afternoon

I'm still living in a sea of boxes. My "office" is really just the room where everything that doesn't have a home yet lives. I've got my desk, the half assembled kitchen table, a bookcase, a folding chair, two bikes, a 9 foot tall cat tree, a litter box, a foosball table with no legs and bunch of boxes.

I found a portrait of Gregory that the hospital took for us. I am amazed at how much my boys look like each other. My sister looked at the picture and gasped. I can' t stop staring at the photo. I feel a new ache. I will never see my boys play together. And Connor has this odd place in the family. He's the oldest, but he's not. He'll grow up like a first child, but he's not. I wonder how Connor will see Gregory. Will Gregory always be something abstract to him? One of my grandfathers died before I was born - I know that if he'd lived a much longer life, we would have adored each other, but we never met. And while I heard about him and saw pictures, I can't say I ever felt the loss. My other grandfather died when I was five. I missed him terribly for a long time. I just don't know if you can love someone the same way if you never met them or knew them at all.

Monday, May 5, 2008

A small (and overdue) update

Happy Monday! It's been a while since I've posted, I apologize. I've been back at work for about six weeks and everytime we settle into a groove of just how this all works, the boy decides to mix it up. Here's to hoping this groove lasts a while! Pic of Connor with my 16 year old brother-in-law Gerard last week.

I can not believe how fast he's growing and changing. He needs me less each day as he takes steps that make him stronger and more independent. This is what growing up is. But I get to watch it and take it all in and enjoy it. I guess that's what parenting is! He's already close to 12 pounds and 2 feet long. He is captivated by the fishies on his swing and bouncy seat. He smiles and giggles and coos and has this magic that makes my heart soar in a way I didn't know was even possible. And it's such a joy to see M and C together. It changed the way I love Marc to watch him be so tender and protective of this little person. Just when you think you can't love any more, your heart just expands.

We are having C baptised at the end of the month and we're required to attend the parish's baptism class. We went on Wednesday of last week with only one other couple. The priest is from another country and I'm trying to blame that (at least in part) for what happened. He was saying something about how you don't go to heaven if you haven't been baptised and then went on to mention dead babies and I lost my cool and interrupted him and then excused myself and left the room. He apologized and I was sobbing and I apologized for snapping at him but GOOD GRIEF what is wrong with me? I have been kicking myself for almost a week over it all. I know I'm kind of a crazy person to begin with and throwing in a dead baby didn't help, but I've never lost my cool in public like that, personally or professionally. And I've had people say some assy things to me. I'm still so mortified at my public display of insanity. I just think it came down to me not being able to deal with someone (least of all a priest) saying something outdated like unbaptised babies going to limbo. I know the Catholic Church's teachings on dead babies, and that's not it. I can't imagine a God who would create a life knowing it would end before baptism and not bringing that soul back to Him. The Catholic Church preaches that all life is precious to God and teaches that abortion is wrong and a life is a life at conception - it's totally hypocrital to even insinuate that my Gregory didn't go right to God's arms the moment he passed. I know in hindsight that I was probably a bit unfair to the priest by snapping at him, and I'll never know for sure what he was going to say. Given that stuff he said before and after that was grossly inaccurate, I feel less bad, but I still feel bad. And I hope that the other couple's daughter won't be in Connor's kindergarten class!

I've been following the story of Matt Logelin the last couple of weeks. He lost his wife Liz the day after his premature daughter Madeline was born. I keep thinking of him and his daughter and their incredible loss long after I've walked away from the computer. It's so unbelievably tragic and awful and terrible. The death of a spouse is so different from the loss of a child, but the depth of grief is the same. Bottomless.