Friday, May 9, 2008

Just a Friday Afternoon

I'm still living in a sea of boxes. My "office" is really just the room where everything that doesn't have a home yet lives. I've got my desk, the half assembled kitchen table, a bookcase, a folding chair, two bikes, a 9 foot tall cat tree, a litter box, a foosball table with no legs and bunch of boxes.

I found a portrait of Gregory that the hospital took for us. I am amazed at how much my boys look like each other. My sister looked at the picture and gasped. I can' t stop staring at the photo. I feel a new ache. I will never see my boys play together. And Connor has this odd place in the family. He's the oldest, but he's not. He'll grow up like a first child, but he's not. I wonder how Connor will see Gregory. Will Gregory always be something abstract to him? One of my grandfathers died before I was born - I know that if he'd lived a much longer life, we would have adored each other, but we never met. And while I heard about him and saw pictures, I can't say I ever felt the loss. My other grandfather died when I was five. I missed him terribly for a long time. I just don't know if you can love someone the same way if you never met them or knew them at all.


Monica said...

I could have written this post. When Andy first came home, he looked just like Jimmy, especially when Andy was sleeping. And yes, sometimes when it is just me and Andy I whisper to him about Jimmy, his big brother. But he will never know him.

Any more pics of C. coming?

Monica H said...

My older sister was stillborn and I find myself missing her now than I ever did before, but I'm sure not the same way I would if I had known her.

But in all fairness, I never really knew about my sister. I still don't. My family doesn't speak much about her and I'm sure that will not be the case for you.

Antigone said...

At least there is a memory which does him honor.