5w1d

M and I went shopping for a suitcase for me for this stupid trip. I can not wait to be home again. I do not like flying, and I do not like traveling. This trip comes at a bad time, but it's the start of a new job that could not come at a better time, so I take the good with the bad. I'll be working normal business hours from home and my phone will stop ringing long enough for me to pull it away from my ear. When I get home, I have a friend's wedding and my first ultrasound (only 19 days away!)

M caught me off guard this morning by kissing my belly and talking to the baby. He never did that much during my pregnancy with G, saying he felt stupid and aloof. I asked him once if he would read to the baby and he tried but felt silly. He said there would be plenty of time and opportunity to read to the baby once it was born. After G died, he felt so guilty - he thought he had so much time... I'm glad that he's pushed aside the silly feeling. I think some days that he is more afraid of something bad happening again than I am.

4w6d, still

Hello little frog,

Thank you for hanging on through another afternoon nap. It inspires a little more confidence in me each time I wake up and do not see any spotting. Don't get me wrong, I'm still petrified, and I'm sure I will be until I hear you cry (another 246 days or so). Let's make that Rule #1: Cry strong and really loud on your birthday. While we're at it, let's add Rule #2: Your umbilical cord is not a toy. I will buy you whatever you want to play with when you come out. Please find other ways to occupy your time until then.

Love,
Mommy

4w6d

There is something seriously wrong with me. The beginning of this week was the point in my first pregnancy when I started to spot and miscarried. Wednesday was the point in my second pregnancy where I started to spot and was convinced I was going to miscarry, but then just kept spotting for four weeks and then it went away.

There is a sick, twisted part of me that just wants to see spotting. I want to see it so that I can rejoice in my body's continuing ability to disappoint me and betray me. I think it has to be some new defense mechanism - if something is going wrong, then I can't get my hopes up, and then they can't be dashed and crushed and trampled.

I don't really want to see spotting. I want to keep Beulah Froggy safe forever.

4w5d

Flying cross country on Sunday, and I'm really anxious. I have only flown twice before in my life, and they were very very short trips. A five hour flight is not something I want to do all by myself! I'm really scared! I'll be away for almost two weeks - M and I have never spent more than a night or two apart since we got married. I have never in my life been away from home for so long. I feel homesick already! My awesome sisters are flying out to keep me company for the middle of the trip. I fly out on Sunday, they fly out on Thursday, they head home the following Wednesday, and I fly home on Friday. I spend less nights alone than I do with them!

I am particularly anxious that I will miscarry when I am away from home. I don't think I can handle that thought. I don't think I could handle the sadness, but at the same time, I don't think I could handle it when I am so far away from home, away from M, away from my kitties. In fact, I don't even want to think about it anymore tonight.

4w3d

I have a bad cold. The awful dry cough started yesterday, and then the sneezing started this morning. I spent 24 hours straight in bed. Morning sickness started a little bit yesterday morning, but thankfully has calmed down a bit.

Saw the doctor a few days ago. I told him I wanted to take a more laid back approach at this point, that I didn't want to worry about betas or progesterone levels. At this point, I can't do anything, so I'm not going to stress myself out about it. I'll see him again around 8 weeks. As it stands, I am not yet spotting, so I'm going to just hang on to the faith I have that I won't start. I'll have an ultrasound around July 18. I just have to hang tight until then.

Went to the cemetery today (one year since G's funeral). It helps to water the flowers or just drop by - allows me to feel like I can take care of him in some small way. He's buried in my grandparents' plot. Pop-pop and Uncle M (my mother's brother who passed away in March) are buried there with him.

I've started to talk to this baby a bit, and have twice called him or her by G's name. I know that it is normal, but it made me feel so guilty, so now I'm calling this baby Beulah, mostly because M laughed his ass off when I suggested the name.

3w5d

So we did it again. M and I are expecting a leap day baby! We clearly have no problem getting to the "being pregnant" stage. Our problems lie in the "taking a living and healthy baby home" stage. We lost our son G a year ago this past weekend (happy father's day!) at 36w4d because of a problem with his umbilical cord. We had an early miscarriage before that. It's clear to us that there is no safe point in pregnancy.

Despite being gripped by intense fear, I'm stupidly excited. I keep going back and forth between feeling like this time it will be different and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm too afraid to even say it outloud.