12w1d

Second trimester! *confetti*

But I'm going to kick my doctor. I had an appointment on Thursday morning (11w6d). I figured we'd finally get around to bloodwork and internals and all that fun stuff. I walked in and he said "Oh, let me go get the doppler". I almost stopped him, knowing it was still really early and that there was a good chance we wouldn't hear anything, and it would just send us into a panic. But I let him go, and made my mother come sit in the room with me because I was anxious. The doc tries fishing around for a bit with the gel, and then tries alcohol. He says he can't even find me on the doppler, which makes me think the damn thing is broken, but no, it's that he can't find the uterine artery or the placenta, and this causing him to worry. (It's apparently a sign of a missed miscarriage and a shrinking uterus.) I'm still refusing to give in to the panic, and keep telling him not to worry. After trying more gel and still more alcohol, he finally finds the uterine artery, but no baby. He starts mentioning emergency ultrasounds and wants to know when I can get scanned. (It's important to note that my doc volunteers at a couple of the women's clinics my mother runs - I see him there so that Marc doesn't have to take a day off each month to drive me to his private office - and that this particular clinic does not have an ultrasound machine.)

I am now starting to panic. I call Marc and lie through my teeth, that I'm getting an ultrasound because the doc hasn't gotten the results of the other one. I call the only guy at work who knows I'm pregnant (my old boss from my previous job) and tell him that there is a problem and that I need to go have an ultrasound. My mother and I blow off work for the rest of the day and head to get scanned. I sat in the waiting room staring at this whiney, largely pregnant 16 year old who is pissed at her boyfriend for checking out another girl, and I fantasized about slapping the pout off her sour face. Then I alternated between knitting a blanket for a baby I was sure was already dead and sobbing. We finally go into the room, and the tech is telling me not to worry. She puts the wand on my tummy and I see the baby for half a second, and she tells me to go pee. I thought I needed a full bladder, but she doesn't bother with it because she likes to take her time and doesn't want me to be uncomfortable. I went to the ladies room and my mind is racing - the baby had arms, legs, big head - it looked like it should look at this stage, so if it's dead, it had to have been in the last couple of days. I keep thinking that there is still hope. I go back in and I'm in full panic mode now. She puts the wand back on my belly and says there is a heartbeat and all is fine, but she wants to do a transvaginal ultrasound. I am so relieved I start sobbing.

I made my mother stay (after everything I've been through, there is no shame - I didn't care if she's in the room, I just needed my mommy to stay) and we try the dildocam. Baby Beulah Skeletor has a huge head with a slightly upturned nose, the most beautiful tiny finger bones, and a heartrate of 163 bpm. The clarity was unbelievable. I could see her wiggling and kicking and touching her face. It was the best ultrasound I've ever had. I love this tech - she is even more disarming then the last - she made me laugh, she hugged me, she was so casual about it all that I didn't feel unnerved for even a second. I asked her if she'd do my Level II in October, even though I know my doc is going to want me to see the perinatologist from my last pregnancy. I want her to do my growth scans every month as well. She is awesome.

Doc and I are going to have to chat at the next appointment. We need to be on the same page for the rest of this pregnancy. I know that he tried the doppler because he wants to reassure me every step of the way. I know that he was heartbroken when Gregory died, and that all he wants to do is give me a healthy, living baby. I am so blessed to have a doctor who listens to me, respects that I read a lot and challenge things he says, and who talks to me like an equal - he doesn't sugarcoat anything. But if I'm going to let go of the stress as much as I can, then he needs to let it go too.

My boss also found out I was pregnant. When I got home, I told the guy I work with that all was well, and that since I'd had to blow off work, maybe now was the time to tell our boss. He said "you never told him? well he knows now I guess!" I spoke to my boss after that and he was so amazing. He is so happy for us. I explained that we had not been telling people because 1. we'd suffered a late term loss last year, and we were more guarded, and 2. I'd just started this job and didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't in it for the long haul - this is a long term commitment. He said that he had never thought that, and that he believed family was the most important thing. I have hit the effing jackpot with this job.

Yay for trimester 2!