10w4d

When I quit smoking a few years back, I used the patch. My favorite part was the intensely vivid dreams I had. The dreams were so real and made complete sense, even after I woke up. The same thing happened when I was pregnant with Gregory - intense, vivid dreams that made total sense. Dreams, at least for me, were never like this outside of these experiences. Now there were no flying monkeys, no giving birth to a litter of kittens, no supernatural wonders. This time around, it's very different. I'm now having the very vivid and real dreams, except they are completely crazy.

Take, for example, the dream where I had given birth to a baby, but I didn't see him. Marc and I were on vacation with my family and his family, and everyone else was taking care of the baby. I hadn't even laid eyes on him. I was on a boat at one point (my mother-in-law was rowing home) and I started crying realizing that when we got home, I was finally going to see my child. When we arrived back at our apartment, Marc went into the bathroom to wash his hands and put the baby down between the toilet and the wall. I saw this from the hallway and asked him why he did this, and everyone acted as though I had lost my mind - this was the safest and greatest place for a baby, what the hell was wrong with me? Then, I was holding the baby. He was too small and looked very dark and jaundiced, and his clothes were too big, but he was able to hug me with the strength of a small child.

It's obvious to me that parts of this dream go back to Gregory - while I was in surgery, my mother and sister went shopping for a christening gown. They found a cute outfit, but he was swimming in it. He was 4 lbs, 15 oz, and too small for the tiniest gown they found in the store. And of course, there was some discoloration as he'd passed away about 24 hours before. This explains the too small for his white clothes, discolored baby from the dream. I wonder how much of the rest of the dream is related to my fears about Beulah. Shortly after I miscarried in July 2005, my sister had a dream that I was pregnant again, but had another miscarriage, only much, much later in the pregnancy, and that it was a little boy. She told only my other sister about it. When Gregory died, she went to my grandmother's house with my mother to tell her what happened, and suddenly the dream came flooding back to her, and she said the whole experience was deja vu, down to the clothes she was wearing. I don't put a ton of faith in random dreams, but history and the Bible are filled with prophecies in dream. It was a bizarre enough coincidence that we all semi-joke with her and ask her if she's had any dreams lately. It scares me to think that these psycho dreams I've been having could be at all prophetic about this baby.

At least the plot of the dream gave me a good laugh.