I feel like I've started mourning for Gregory in a different way than I used to. I look at Connor and see Gregory in him. I rock Connor to sleep and remember that I never got that chance with Gregory. We were changing Connor's diaper and I felt compelled to point out that this particular bag of diapers was purchased when we were expecting Gregory, and how odd it was that Connor was wearing them instead. It makes me feel like I can't win. If I push these thoughts of Gregory away, if I ignore my compulsions to point out odd little facts, it's like I'm pushing Gregory away. If I don't push them away, I am worried that I will take away from Connor's existence - will I always compare him to Gregory? (Is compare even the right word?) I feel like a shitty mother for it. I know that had Gregory lived, the whole comparison between the boys would have been healthier and more normal. As Connor grows older, I'm sure we'll create new ways to honor Gregory's memory as a family. I suppose that's a natural part of the grief process.
When Gregory died, I struggled with how to answer the children question (as in, 'do you have any?'). Most of the time I would answer "I have no living children" or "I had a little boy, but he passed away". I am at a loss for how to answer this question now. Do I say one child or two children? Inevitably, they'd ask how old the children are, and I'd have to point out that one of them is dead. When I was pregnant and someone would ask if this was my first child, sometimes I'd say yes, sometimes no. It depended on whether or not I felt like explaining. Initially I said yes, but in the back of my mind I felt like I was betraying Gregory. Then I started saying yes without even really thinking about Gregory. One day I woke up and started saying that this was my second child. I didn't even really think about it all. It's just what felt right. Sometimes it was uncomfortable when the follow up questions came, but not always. Hopefully soon I'll find an answer that just feels right. How do those of you with living children (older and younger than the child you lost) and subsequent pregnancies answer this question?
8 comments:
I don't have any living children, but I still get asked this question. Like you, my response depends on my mood. But usually when someone asks 'do you have any?' I simply say 'YES'! and leave it at that. Neither of my kids are here with me and I compare all the time because Sam was so much like my husband and Jack (Happy Birthday Jack!) was so much like me. Comparison of your children, I'm assuming, is normal.
I think it must be normal to compare children with previous siblings. I think if Gregory were with you know you'd be doing exactly the same thing without giving it a second thought. I don't think you will be taking anything away from Conner by talking about his brother.
He is beautiful Froggy Mommy, I love his hair.
Sometimes when I don't feel like having to tell a huge long story, I say "We have four at home." That way I don't feel like I am leaving out my angels. (We actually have six children but only four are with us.) I guess maybe I am leaving them out, but it just works better for me than saying, "We have four kids." Honestly, I've grown to hate the question.
BTW, Connor is absolutely adorable.
(Sorry for the deleted comment above. Should have proofread first)
Even though I haven't any living children or a current pregnancy to encourage a question like that, I've been giving it thought. I think if I have another child that I'll say I have two and one passed away. It just really bugs me that culturally we don't talk more about stillbirth or neonatal loss. Maybe if we all talk about a little more awareness will increase at least a little bit.
I never mention the twins. Never.
I think I can relate to your worried feelings about the "compare" issue. How do I keep M's memory alive without making A feel in his shadow? But, like someone else said, if our first babies were here, we would be doing similiar things without a thought. Such is the life of having a sibling, I think our second babies will be okay.
Sometimes when I talk to people, I just hope they don't ask. But, I have come up with some stock answers. "She is my first living child" "no, I also have a son who is no longer with us/passed away" And if I am getting the feeling the questions won't continue, a simple "no" to the is this your first? works well. That last one can be risky because if they continue to ask questions, it can then be akward to tell them my other kid is dead, but heck, they asked!
I'm new here. I randomly find your blog, but I know how you feel on some level.
We had a son, Gage, and then lost our 2nd baby, Masyn, during pregnancy.
So, I'm at a loss with how to answer that question... do you have kids? I answer, "yes", and then they ask, "oh, how old?" And then I answer about my one living child....but you know.... in my mind & in my heart, I'm secretly thinking, "I had two".... it just makes me kind of sad.
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