I feel like I've started mourning for Gregory in a different way than I used to. I look at Connor and see Gregory in him. I rock Connor to sleep and remember that I never got that chance with Gregory. We were changing Connor's diaper and I felt compelled to point out that this particular bag of diapers was purchased when we were expecting Gregory, and how odd it was that Connor was wearing them instead. It makes me feel like I can't win. If I push these thoughts of Gregory away, if I ignore my compulsions to point out odd little facts, it's like I'm pushing Gregory away. If I don't push them away, I am worried that I will take away from Connor's existence - will I always compare him to Gregory? (Is compare even the right word?) I feel like a shitty mother for it. I know that had Gregory lived, the whole comparison between the boys would have been healthier and more normal. As Connor grows older, I'm sure we'll create new ways to honor Gregory's memory as a family. I suppose that's a natural part of the grief process.
When Gregory died, I struggled with how to answer the children question (as in, 'do you have any?'). Most of the time I would answer "I have no living children" or "I had a little boy, but he passed away". I am at a loss for how to answer this question now. Do I say one child or two children? Inevitably, they'd ask how old the children are, and I'd have to point out that one of them is dead. When I was pregnant and someone would ask if this was my first child, sometimes I'd say yes, sometimes no. It depended on whether or not I felt like explaining. Initially I said yes, but in the back of my mind I felt like I was betraying Gregory. Then I started saying yes without even really thinking about Gregory. One day I woke up and started saying that this was my second child. I didn't even really think about it all. It's just what felt right. Sometimes it was uncomfortable when the follow up questions came, but not always. Hopefully soon I'll find an answer that just feels right. How do those of you with living children (older and younger than the child you lost) and subsequent pregnancies answer this question?
