here

I never have time to update this anymore but I'm still here, reading everyone else's blogs.

Still here...

We are still here and doing well! I went private for a few months because someone in my real life found me. I asked this person to try and understand that this blog wasn't meant for their eyes, but it didn't go over too well. I was left feeling really violated and frustrated. Going private was the only way to protect myself at the time.

C is growing up really fast. He's already 10 months old (almost 11!) and starting to walk and talk. I swear it happened overnight. Some recent pics of him from Halloween and his first hockey game:

Someone Came Before You

Thank you for all the kind words, it means so much to me. Gregory's 2nd birthday was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I really believed that it would be easier than last, but maybe it doesn't get easier. I sometimes think that I don't want it to get better. I want to feel that raw grief if only to remind myself that Gregory is real. I don't know if that makes me normal or crazy.

And if you need a cry, I highly recommend picking up a copy of Someone Came Before You, by Pat Schwiebert. It's the We Had An Angel Instead for the babies that came after the baby that died. Connor is still a bit young for it, but it's still a lovely addition to his library. It's beautifully illustrated and the story is just so sweet. They do an excellent job of keeping it simple enough for a younger child but it's still really appropriate for an older child. They include tips for talking with your living children, resources for dealing with grief, and suggestions on ways to keep the memory of your baby alive as a family.

Instead

I should be cleaning up the mess from a birthday party.
I should be thinking about potty training.
I should be talking about pre-school.
I should be chasing after a toddler.

Instead I'm sitting here crying, unable to breathe. I miss you so much my whole body aches. I can't stop thinking about the last time I held you, the last time I saw you, the last time I laid in bed and rubbed my belly while I sang to you. This isn't fair. Two years later and I'm still not able to fully accept that I won't ever get the chance to watch you grow up. I wonder what I could have done differently that would make it all right. I wish I could have woken you up this morning with kisses and birthday presents. I wish I could show you just how loved you really are.

Happy second birthday my sweet Gregory.

Love,
Mommy

Everything smells like death

Two whole years since I felt you move for the last time.

I miss you so fucking much. I feel so sick I can barely breathe.

Building Cathedrals

The Most Important Person on earth is a mother. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral--a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body...

The angels have not been blessed with such a grace. They cannot share in God's creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven. Only a human mother can. Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creature; God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation...

What on God's good earth is more glorious than this: to be a mother!

-Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty

Wishing you all a Happy Mother's Day, filled with peace and love.

Just a Friday Afternoon

I'm still living in a sea of boxes. My "office" is really just the room where everything that doesn't have a home yet lives. I've got my desk, the half assembled kitchen table, a bookcase, a folding chair, two bikes, a 9 foot tall cat tree, a litter box, a foosball table with no legs and bunch of boxes.

I found a portrait of Gregory that the hospital took for us. I am amazed at how much my boys look like each other. My sister looked at the picture and gasped. I can' t stop staring at the photo. I feel a new ache. I will never see my boys play together. And Connor has this odd place in the family. He's the oldest, but he's not. He'll grow up like a first child, but he's not. I wonder how Connor will see Gregory. Will Gregory always be something abstract to him? One of my grandfathers died before I was born - I know that if he'd lived a much longer life, we would have adored each other, but we never met. And while I heard about him and saw pictures, I can't say I ever felt the loss. My other grandfather died when I was five. I missed him terribly for a long time. I just don't know if you can love someone the same way if you never met them or knew them at all.